Day 4 Comes to an End!

I started today with my word count already higher than the projection that NaNoWriMo had set for today in order for me to reach 50,000 words by the end of the month. I wrote a little before work and a little bit after and didn't expect to do too much but when I got home from dinner and a movie tonight I decided I should keep my momentum going. I've found my dear friend Kortnee's method of recording her words to be much easier to read than my previous method of dropping it into sentence form so I am going to copy my smart friend, but change it a little, and lay it out like this:

NaNoWriMo's projected count for today: 6,666
NaNoWriMo's projected count for tomorrow: 8,333
NaNoWriMo's projected count for Day 6: 10,000
My Word Count at the end of Day 3 (yesterday): 8,105
Words Completed today: 2,096
Total Words Written: 10,201

What this means is I am past my word count for today, tomorrow and the next day. Yay! I have to admit, I am pretty proud but I am not done yet! This is the end of my word count for today technically but I will be writing more before I go to sleep. Those words will count under tomorrow's words because of the way the website adds them. So, I am 1/5 (20%) of the way done with my novel according to the website and I feel awesome! I am on a roll and I don't feel like quitting yet. I am glad I got a little bit of a head start in case I come to a few bumps and need a break or to do some research. I also hope to finish a movie review tomorrow before work. It feels great to be writing with a set goal in mind! I've decided to keep setting goals for myself after this to keep the momentum going. I love this month so far and can't wait to edit my "finished" product at the end of the month. To Bill, thanks for the continued high fives as I reach my milestones, it may seem small but those keep me going! To Kortnee, you got this! I can't wait to read your story at the end of the month! Have a great night everyone!

Per Bill's request, my picture of writing today

is brought to you by Doug and Porkchop!

(Remember those awesome guys?!)

Day 3- I Have an Awesome Support System!

So ends Day 3 and I have to say, I have the best support system! I have one of my best friends participating in National Novel Writing Month with me and she has been very encouraging! Thanks Kortnee! I hope I am helping you as much as you are helping me! I have a wonderful boyfriend who constantly asks for an update on my word count and makes me hot chocolate to give me a pick-me-up. Thanks babe! I have my super mother who is already asking to read my pages (wait until it's done mom haha). And I have people who have eagerly asked for more information on the event when I mention it and of course I have whoever has been reading all of my posts. So, a big thank you to everyone! Its the end of Day 3 and I feel great!

I started today with a dent already in the words that I should complete for today. The goal for today was to reach 5,000 words, according to the NaNoWriMo's website's projection. I expected to go past this number since I had the day off from work. I didn't expect to go far over but 6,000 but I was on a roll and when I passed 7,000 I rewarded myself with two things: a Bud Light and MORE WRITING!

After a high five from Bill, I continued writing. The goal for tomorrow is 6,666 words. I'm obviously past this but as I mark my spot for tomorrow I am close to Day 5's goal of 8,333. I am now at 8,105 words, that's 30 pages for those who are bad at figuring that out like I am. Technically I wouldn't have to write tomorrow but I will keep writing just in case I have a really off day. I'm proud of myself as I close this day, although I need to post my current number on the NaNoWriMo website, something I need to keep up with. So I have 41,895 words left to reach my goal at the end of the month...it still seems far away but it's getting closer and closer every time I write. I'm off to bed, I will talk to you all tomorrow when I post another update! Have a great night! Thanks again for the support!

NaNoWriMo- Day 2

Thus ends Day 2 of NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month if this is the first entry you have read). I was happily reminded by my friend to update my word count on the NaNoWriMo page because it read zero (thank you Kortnee) and now I am current. I also looked and realized I had read wrong and my daily word count should be 1,666 words at least so I made up for what I missed and I currently stand at 4,211, well over my par for the second day (that's 2,960 for the day). I am loving the experience of "needing" to finish words for the day because it feels like a deadline and I do better with deadlines. I am now thinking I should set deadlines for myself all year long and I will start this after this month when I no longer have a handy dandy computer tracking my progress. Now I am done for the day and off to bed to rest my brain. Tomorrow I will continue on my adventure and I aim to beat my minimum word count considerably. Have a great night everyone and happy writing to my fellow NaNoWriMo writers! See you all tomorrow!

NaNoWriMo- Day 1

It's not the kind of start I wanted but it was an adequate first day of writing. I met the goal number of words and surpassed it by a little. After a terribly long day at work and school, I guess it's not too bad. 1251 words of my novel have been written. I decided to pick my idea for a fantasy story geared more toward a young adult audience so it should be fun to piece it together. Let's hope today is even more productive!

NaNoWriMo- National Novel Writing Month

November is National Novel Writing Month. After some urging from a close friend I have decided to participate. This is my first time so it'll be fun to see what happens. The goal is to write a 50,000 word novel by the end of the month. That's about 1,167 words a day, I'll keep you updated on pages and word counts. This is the equivalent of a walk-a-thon for writing so let's see if I make it to the finish line! Good luck to all other writer's who are participating!  

I AM My Father's Daughter

Last night I was standing in the line for Starbucks to get my caffeine fix before class and this guy in front of me was talking to his girlfriend and I swear he repeated the words Java Chip about twenty times. Because it's super cool to repeat the same words over and over, not really changing your tone, because there is SOMETHING awesome about the words Java Chip...I'm missing something apparently. I was kind of thinking he might have Tourettes or something but he carried on a conversation without any issues after he moved on from the amazing genius of Starbuck's Java Chip frappachinos. Really boy, you think you are impressing your girlfriend by repeating words like a ten year old? If she is impressed then I have no hope for society. It was at about the tenth time he said it, after stopping for a minute to have a normal conversation, that I started thinking, "Hmmm...we should suffocate stupid people." I'm not kidding, I thought it in a off-hand sort of way like this is a normal thought to have. I've never hid the fact that I despise stupidity but I've never had a thought like this so nonchalantly. It reminded me of something my father would say, out loud. I'm obviously my father's daughter, we share the same sense of humor, say facial expressions and apparently the same twisted thought process. The other day Bill even pointed at me and said, "That look was totally your father!" I hadn't even realized I'd done it. So I started to wonder, when do I reach the point where I say it out loud?


Today, I was sitting in the library trying to study, yes actually studying instead of searching the internet for once. Suddenly this idiot sits down and starts loudly telling his friend about how his classes are a waste of time and how he could already have a job by now. Two thoughts crossed my mind. 1.) If you think you are wasting your time then please leave and stop being so loud in the library. 2.) Really? Have you SEEN the job field right now? Good luck getting hired! Then I started to listen to his use of vocab...or lack of use of vocab. This kid thought he was straight up gangsta, yo! (Yeah, that's how he talked). No offense but this kid was obviously from a richer family and he apparently was a wannabe gangster who was doing his best to act cool. Well junior, all you did was sound like a tool! I wanted to hit him across the back of the head and tell him to use his inside voice, stop throwing his mini tantrum and put on his big boy pants. I know I shot him a few looks straight from my father's list of expressions. Once again, when do I start saying this stuff out loud? I know my filter will someday diminish and these things will pop from my mouth but I don't know when. I often find myself beginning to say something and stopping my self. How long until that control fades? If you know my father you know his filter is pretty much gone. I guess we'll see how long I have until that happens.


Oh well, I am my father's daughter and proud of it!

This reminds me of my dad!

Me and the man I have been channeling lately.

Gotta love him!

Already Gone (Mental Abuse Happens in All Kinds of Relationships)

It's an odd feeling when you look back on a relationship of any kind, even with your best friend, and realize how many red flags there were and how many things you just looked over. It's even weirder when multiple people look at you and say, "you know that's mental abuse, right?" I never thought of it before anyone said anything but I guess being constantly put down, berated for things that aren't your fault, made to feel lower than another person...yeah those are all signs. It's been almost two years since everything ended and I'm still amazed at how bad  I let it get and how only the people closest to me realized what was happening. I'm lucky enough to say it wasn't always that way and even luckier to say I no longer deal with it, at all.


I don't really think about the situation that often anymore, I tend to focus on how happy my life is now. However, anyone who knows me knows that music is a huge cathartic release for me. Because of this, there are a few songs that make me think about a time I'd rather forget. The songs no longer make me cry, thankfully, but one came on in the car yesterday and it brought me into a silent reverie. It was yesterday that I realized that I still think about the situation from time to time, I still sometimes wish it was different and that things had never took a turn for the worst but I also realized it doesn't bother me that much anymore. I don't cry about it, I haven't for a long time. I have come out of this mess much stronger than I ever thought I would. Some songs may still trigger a few thoughts but I actually try to remember the good times now because focusing on them made me bitter. That said, I still have those bitter thoughts once in a while, I won't lie and pretend to be perfect. Both of the songs that trigger this thinking are by Kelly Clarkson. I am pretty sure they are both meant to be about romantic relationships but the words make sense for other ones as well. 


If anyone asks, I'll tell them we both just moved on. When people all stare, I'll pretend that I don't hear them talk. Whenever I see you, I'll swallow my pride and bite my tongue, pretend I'm okay with it all, act like there's nothing wrong.


We just moved on. Yeah, I've used that line and I knew people talked about it. This isn't paranoia, I know they talked because people would ask about it by starting conversations with things like, "I was talking to so and so and we were wondering," or "we noticed." I know people were concerned but it always surprised me to realize that they talked about this. I guess it makes sense when you think of how inseparable we were. I'm sure people blamed me and I don't care. I had gotten used to the role that had been painted in our friendship: I was the sarcastic one who blocked out most people and she was the loving, kind one that couldn't hurt a fly. It's really funny to think now how wrong people were and how different things are behind closed doors. I now fully know the meaning of the phrase, "appearances can be deceiving." Yes, I'm sarcastic. Yes, it's difficult for me to let people in but I let this person in and most people have no idea what I did for her. Why? Because I never spoke of it. To this day, very few people know how much I did for her and how horrible things got. People had no idea how much of my life I devoted to helping this person, even at the expense of my own relationships with family and friends. As for the loving, kind person who couldn't hurt a fly? Wait until you turn your back, it all changes.


Remember all the things we wanted. Now all our memories, they're haunted. We were always meant to say goodbye. Even with our fists held high, it never would have worked out right, yeah, we were never meant for do or die. 


It feels bizarre to go from telling someone all your hopes, dreams and feelings to telling them nothing about you and hoping they would just leave you alone. I try to focus on the good times but sometimes that's difficult. It really felt like all my memories were haunted, or tainted, for a long time. Now I can finally think about the past and acknowledge there were good times before the downward slope. I trust that everything happens for a reason. Maybe we depended on each other too much...well, I know we did. I know that I was leaned on way too much near the end and expected to do whatever was asked of me. I also know that if I didn't do it I would be yelled at or guilted into it. Sometimes I was yelled at until I got so upset that I would get physically ill and I put up with it. No matter how hard we fought it, I think we would have always made it to this point. In my mind it would always end as it did, with the revelation that nothing I did mattered, with the words that broke me, "if I could forget you existed and be happy, I would in a heartbeat." Those words still pop into my head every once in a while, I think they've stopped hurting even though they put a sharp sword through my heart at the time. It's really destroying when somebody says this to you after you have helped them for years, especially when you've picked up the pieces of their lives over and over, especially when they choose when you are broken the most to say them. It was two weeks after my car accident and I could barely move, not the best timing to make me cry because even the simple act of crying hurt my body.


If anyone asks, I'll tell them we just grew apart. Yeah, what do I care if they believe me or not? Whenever I feel your memory is breaking my heart, I'll pretend I'm okay with it all, act like there's nothing wrong.


That's how I responded when people would ask about this person. "We just grew apart," became my favorite line but everyone knew it was a lie. I knew they didn't believe me and slowly I didn't care if they did or not. I still keep most of the details to myself, heck, I won't even put a name in this blog, but I've realized along the way that I don't care if people believe me. I know what happened, so does she. I thought about giving her another chance until I realized how many chances she got. Even after the initial fall-out I considered meeting to talk things over but I was lead through a roller coaster of, "I want to fix things," and "I don't think we should talk again." Who changes their mind that quickly? Well she did to try and make me suffer for not being walked all over as easy as I once had been. At a certain point I decided I would never let this person make me cry again.



You can't make it feel right when you know that it's wrong. I'm already gone, already gone. There's no moving on, so I'm already gone.


It during another one of her, "I don't think we should talk again," moments that I realized I didn't want to talk anymore. Why should I talk to a person who hurt me so badly? I was holding onto the person she once was, not who she became. Even talking to this person for a minute in a text message would get me so upset that the nerves in my neck would tighten and I would get a migraine. I never knew a person could make you physically hurt with just words until after the accident. When I think back and remember everything I did and how used I felt afterward, I feel ashamed that I ever let it happen. I had always said I would never let a man control me or abuse me, instead I let my best friend take over my life. I'm not sure if it has the same effect but I've heard it does.


I would never call myself an innocent victim. I'm not innocent, nobody is, and I'm not a victim. I'm a person who let another person use me. I regrettably let this person treat my family poorly and for that I have apologized many, many times. I stood up for them in the end but I'll never feel like it's enough. I'm not saying this person is evil, I'm saying she did horrible things to me and my family. Her control over me was suffocating and damaging but I knew this person better than anyone, I know she has a good heart somewhere deep inside of her. What this situation has made me remember is that everyone has a reason for being the way they are. She took her bad situation and reflected it on me, it's transference. The girl I once knew was already gone, had been for quite some time, I just had to accept it. She contacted me before I moved and asked if I wanted to talk, having changed her mind once again since she last said she never wanted to speak again a few months earlier. I didn't know what to say. It was random how she would pop into my life again when I had accepted she was gone...it almost felt like she planned for the moment I had realized I was okay to come in and mess things up. Of course, that thought is crazy. Anyway, after a few texts and a phone message, I decided what needed to be done. I couldn't let myself return to the way things were, I was stronger than that now. I told her that she had stopped being a part of my life when things were worst for me and that, if she couldn't be a friend then, she couldn't be a part of my life now that it was good again. It still hurts but it was the right thing to do. It feels weird to use the words "mentally abused" but they fit. I had been mentally abused for so long that when I finally broke free, and got over the heartbreak, it was impossible to go back after feeling the freedom. My life is better now. The songs come on the radio and sometimes I still think of her but now I try to focus on the good rather than the hell it became. I survived and I'll continue to thrive. I don't wish her bad but I can never go back. For those who have survived abuse, mental or physical, I admire your strength and courage. Those who have been through it know that abuse can come from anybody, even the person you least expect. I hope everyone who has gone through this managed to make it out and grow stronger as I have. 


(The lyrics used are from the songs "Cry" and "Already Gone.")