Sunday, April 15, 2012

Time Speeds Along

This year seems to be speeding along. Honestly, it's going faster than I would like. I feel like it should be February at the latest, not April. The other day I stopped and realized what month it was and then a pain slowly hit my heart as I realized it was almost the middle of April and after April comes May. Of course I've always known that May comes after April but it's like that month is sneaking up on me before I can stop it. 

I hate the month of May. It's one time of the year that I dread completely. If I could skip from April to June, I would, simply to avoid the pain that May brings. You see, two of my favorite people in the whole world died in May. For years, May seemed like a cursed month for my family. I don't really believe in curses but that's the feeling we have felt. It seems like we all hold our breath through May and hope and pray that we make it to June without any more losses. It's not just the losses, it seems that bad things happen to us in May, but it's the losses that make it the worst. We lost both my grandma and my aunt on my father's side in May. They were years apart but the anniversaries are days apart and that makes it even more difficult.

I have a strong faith so I know these two are in a better place and it's been years since I lost them but these were two people that had a large impact on my life. My grandma was a sweet woman with a heart of gold. She used to bake cookies and one of my favorite memories is her greeting us, after traveling to see her, while stirring a pot full of sloppy joe meat. Keep in mind, we arrived at her house at around 2 a.m. but she insisted that we must be hungry. This memory will bring a smile to my face for the rest of my life. My grandma wasn't terribly young when she passed but it still seemed way too soon for us. Some of my favorite memories are in her house and I still drive by her house every time I visit my relatives. I think this creeps out the current owners, since I pass the house a few times and usually stop and stare for just a moment, but I still do it. I just look at the door and for a second I see her smiling face opening it to let us all in. I can still hear her voice in my head and see her eyes. I got my eyes from my grandma and they are apparently a rare shade of blue (I say apparently because after looking at them in the mirror for 25 years they seem pretty ordinary to me but people point them out frequently). I don't love my eyes because they are out of the ordinary, I love them because they were hers and I am one of the only family members to have them. Somehow this makes me feel closer to her even though she's gone.

My aunt was taken way too soon. Because of a freak accident we lost her and her beautiful smile. I don't think I'll ever understand why she had to be taken so early but I know she is dancing with the angels. This woman meant the world to me. Due to circumstances that shouldn't be discussed here, I only had one godparent growing up...most people have two. After my uncle became the only godparent I had, she "adopted" me as her goddaughter. She never had to do this but she did and she loved it. I'm the only August birthday with two sisters in December so my aunt would send all our birthday presents at once, so I wouldn't feel left out. She also started a charm bracelet for me and when she died I refused to ever add another charm. After her death, my cousin found a graduation charm in my aunt's belongings. She had bought it a whole year early to make sure I had it. It's the only charm I've added since her death and only because my uncle insisted.  I remember crying while I added it. I cry every time I think about how she had put it aside for me. She was such a special woman with a great soul. I remember she used to call to talk to my mom but would spend hours talking to me if mom wasn't home. She always had time for me. She always made me feel special. In reality, she was probably one of the most special people I've ever had the pleasure of knowing.

I have many fond memories of these two people who have left a never-fading mark on my heart. It has been years since I lost them but it feel likes yesterday whenever May comes around. There will be moments throughout the year that I think of them and smile and know they are watching but I think of them even more as May approaches and it still brings pain to my heart and tears to my eyes. Just yesterday I was listening to a song I've heard a thousand times and it brought tears to my eyes because suddenly it made me think of them, though it never had before.

Of course, good things have happened in May. I graduated in May, was confirmed in May and I have birthdays to celebrate in May. Still, I dread the month of May. I often wish something really great would happen to take the focus off of the pain of this month. I could use something like that this year. I could use something wonderful in the month of May. So, here's hoping that May speeds along or that something wonderful happens. I love my grandma and my aunt and I carry them in my heart. If I can be just half as amazing as they were then I am in good shape. I wish all the people in my life had been able to meet them because they were beautiful souls.

I've met many people who have rough months and rough days. I hope that you all are comforted by your memories like I am. Here's to a good year and, hopefully, a good May.

This poem always comes to mind when I think of them:

If tears could build a stairway
and thoughts a memory lane
I'd walk right up to heaven
and bring you home again
No Farewell words were spoken
No time to say good-bye
You were gone before I knew it
And only God knows why.
My heart's still active in sadness
And secret tears still flow
What it meant to lose you
No one can ever know.
But now I know you want us
To mourn for you no more
To remember all the happy times
Life still has much in store.
Since you'll never be forgotten
I pledge to you today
A hallowed place within my heart
Is where you'll always stay.
God knows why, with chilling touch,
Death gathers those we love so much,
And what now seems so strange and dim,
Will all be clear, when we meet Him.
I Knew you for a Moment

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