Tuesday, December 21, 2010
After A Hurricane Comes A Rainbow
It's no secret to those who know me that this past year has been one of the worst years I have ever had in my life. I am not being dramatic, THIS YEAR SUCKED...well that is up until about the month of July. I ended the 2009 year by being hit by a cab driver. This caused many injuries, the loss of my job and a deep depression that felt like it would never end. I won't go into too much information on this but let's just say, I can't wait for 2010 to end. Being in bed almost constantly for more than 6 months gave me a lot of time to think. I found out who my real friends are and I found out I wasn't living my life the way I really wanted to. I had given up on my dreams.
Many people think I am crazy when I say I think my accident happened for a reason. They think I am even crazier when I say I think this reason was to knock sense back into me. I was ready to live my life in a job I tolerated but didn't love, alone and letting other people's needs completely consume my life. I'm not saying it's bad to help others but when "helping" starts to overshadow your needs and make you forget your identity it is not worth it.
Before the accident, I hadn't dated much in the past 7 years. I dated a little but, in all honesty,I had completely given up on love. I had my heart broken too many times and I didn't want to face that prospect again. However, after about 8 months of hell, a friend dragged my depressed butt out of the house and I met the most amazing man in the world. Even in my dreams my perfect man was not this extraordinary! Instead of accepting him right away, I did what any other stubborn pain in the butt would do: I made his life difficult until he broke through the numerous walls and security systems I had put around my heart. After a lot of soul searching I realized I simply could not live my life without this man. I never would have come to this conclusion before my accident. I am certain of this fact. Before-the-accident-Jill was too obsessed with fixing everyone elses' lives, too negative about herself to let this man into her heart.
After the accident I discovered I had lost myself. I am still regaining myself but I have made great strides and this helped me to let Bill into my heart. In high school, I didn't care what people thought of me. By college I had lost this feeling. Now, I am regaining this feeling more and more every day. I am getting back to the Jill I love and respect and I haven't had that in a long time.
Like I said, during this time I learned who my friends really are. They are the ones who understood when I was too hurt to go out. They are the friends who made sure they talked to me often so I wouldn't sink further into depression. They are the ones who made me smile and focused on my needs instead of suffocating me with things I couldn't handle. They are truly amazing. My friends Kortnee, Kristin, Pam and Rhianna made sure to talk to me often and visit me when they could. Rhianna is the one who dragged my sorry butt out of the house, something I forever thank her for. Also during this time I met my best friend. She randomly messaged me on facebook, being the girlfriend of an old friend, and our relationship grew from there. The world should fear the pairing that was made here ;)
My family was beyond amazing this time! They made sure to understand all my symptoms and all my needs. My mom helped me through everything, including breakdowns and nights with no sleep because I was in so much pain. My dad did everything imaginable for me, including finding me doctors to help. My sisters made sure I was entertained and my future brother in law helped with the turns in taking me to doctors appointments. Even my nephews helped. They understood I couldn't take much but they played games with me that I could play laying on my back and they made sure to be quiet and not touch me...going without their hugs killed me but they understood.
It's been a little over a year since this accident turned my life upside down but really it turned my life right side up! I now know what I want and who I want in my life. I know who I want to be and who I need to be. Am I still in pain? Very much so. Am I still struggling to get better? You bet but at least I have a new-found, wonderful perspective on life. And life is amazing! My life was hit by a hurricane but the rainbow afterward has been extraordinary and the rainbow is the wonderful people in my life and finally feeling alive! I hope everybody takes the time to find their rainbow after a hurricane! :)